Dude, She is just not into You!

I was in the book store the other day and one book caught my eye, "He's Just Not That Into You,". I remembered this book was a best seller when I was in college. It helped many women look at what they thought was a potential relationship and re-evaluated it. It gave them a new insight and a way to not feel bad if he didn't call or whatever else he was supposed to do that never happened. Just last night I saw that it is coming to theaters in the fall. Yes, a movie! "He's Just Not That Into You!" See trailer here.

Nevertheless, what about the men? Has anyone told them how to figure out when a girl is just not into them? Why only cater to the confused, overly hopeful and imaginative women when there are just as many confused, overly hopeful and fantasy driven males out their. The “is she interested” game is a hard game to play. Another way of viewing is she into you is will she commit to you. When we use commitment langage is sounds more abstract less emotional and in some way a little more holy. Truth is, they mean the same thing. to say "she is into you." and "she will commit to you" is the same subjective experience looked at from two different levels. Why? Well, theologically and psychologically understood, behind commitment is desire or want. We will what we want. If this is true and I believe it is then implied in committing to something is a desire to have that which you commit to . So for there to be a real commitment there must first be a desire that energizes the will to act. Commitment is grounded in desire.

So I thought I would give some advice to all the literate men in the bogging world. Here is a quick summery of my points in case you wish to not read any further.

You don’t know if she is into you.

· She is dating someone else!

· She never returns your calls despite millions of missed calls from you!

· Never ready for a relationship!

· She avoids showing any consideration towards you!

· She tries to set you up with another girl!

· She doesn’t appreciate what you have done for her!

· You see her less than twice in a month!

· She is vague & non-committal about her feelings

· She spends all her time at church

· School/career is her top priority

· She has too many Ex’es around (the insecure girl)

· Her conversation is extreme when it comes to her past relationships

· She constantly puts men down (the independent Girl)

· She is only interested in what you can give her

What gives me the authority to make such points? Let me just say next to being a student of human nature, A psychology and philosophy major I am also one intimately acquainted with the experience(better experiences) of the “Girl not being interested in you” and hard headed enough to not get the hint. So, Ladies, he calls you, he takes you out, and he is devoted, sweet and kind. And what does he get in return? Games, drama and inconsistency. Now, I don’t believe that means most of you are self-centered she demons from the Shanae O’Connor school of charm. I truly believe that most women want to be with a man who is ready for commitment. But, for those among you who don’t or because of some series of twisted life experiences can’t, this list is for the men in your lives. God have mercy on there souls. I’m sorry to have to do this to you - but, I have to expose those among you who are dating guys with whom you have no intention of committing too. And give some discernable clues to help the sad sap of a guy that actually want to be in a committed relationship. So he can walk away and find someone willing to take a chance on him.

1. She is dating someone else

Let me begin with a story, a few years ago a good friend was madly in love with this girl. He talked about her. Did things for her. It was rather pathetic. Talking with him one day I got the impression they where dating. Then he said, “Her boyfriend is coming home this weekend so if you want we can hang.” Upon hearing this I slapped him. Could not help it? He had provoked the redneck in me by his self-deprecating behavior. “Have some self-respect!! What would Jesus DO!!” I screamed as I pushed him into a corner. As if a metaphor of his relational life – he did not fight back, stand up for himself, or be a man in anyway. He just let me kick his tail! Forcing him to his knees, I told him to lick my shoe. Finally he screamed NO! I WILL NOT! At that moment I dropped to my knees and whispered to him “this is what she is doing to you, she emotionally moved you into a corner then makes you lick her shoe. All you are is a relational servant – a thing to manipulate to make her feel good.” HE got the point and he got a free shot on me (even after 9 years he still has not collected on and that worries me a little) this point is obvious but dudes can so lie to themselves.

2. She never returns your calls despite millions of missed call from you

Simply!

First call = she may be playing hard get

Second call = she is not interest in you and doesn’t care of your company.

Third call = she is avoiding you.

Fourth call = She is calling someone now! The police!

3. Never ready for a relationship

This is a common delay tactic when they are not interested in a guy. Women are simple creatures when they want to be and complex as can be when the guy does not want her to be. If she is not ready for a relationship take her on face value and move on. Such talk means she dose not appreciate you as relationship material.

4. She avoids showing any consideration towards you

When you get a sense that you are not even being considered it is time to leave. For example if she constantly cancels plans with you without any notice. It is reasonable to cancel plans occasionally for a specific reason but if she does it consistently, moves on; she holds little respect for you so ditch her quickly.

5. She tries to set you up with another girl

Girls, do this because they want to make certain you get the hint she is not interested. Be alert, the more selfish and subversive a girl is the more she will take this as a way of testing how much you are into her. So they can feel better about themselves if you continue to focus on them to the exclusion of their own dating help. Yet this does not imply any interest on there part. Only a way to for them to cleans some guilt for using you and be reminded how much you like them. For example, when it comes to the emotionally immature girl who borders on Narcissism, when she plays match maker, if the guy never tries to “convince” the girl that she is better than the girl he is being set up with she may become a bit prissy.

6. She doesn’t appreciate what you have done for her.

Friends get taken advantage of more easy than lovers. When we like someone we are sensitive to their actions and often thankful of their gestures. A simple example: she doesn’t laugh at your jokes. This is because she can’t find your sense of humor and she doesn’t bother to pretend otherwise. A good rule of thumb: smiling and laughing are part of the art of flirting, along with eye contact and intimate discloser. If she doesn’t laugh at all, you can be sure she is showing you she is not interest at all.

7. You see her less than twice in a month.

After college and outside of work or church a person has to be intentional about meeting people. Girls are masters of engineering right place right time. It is the female art of positioning themselves for a relationship. When a people do not learn this art there will use there fantasy life to fill the void. Often forming in them a inaccurate view of reality and how the world works. The rule of thumb: if she is interested in you she often finds way to connect with you, no matter how and when or where. So if she is always vague about making plans together, then please move on, she is neutral about your company and doesn’t want to commit.

8. She is Vague & Non-Committal About Her Feelings

This is a trait both uncommitted men and women share - when asked how they feel about you (and the relationship), they can never quite answer the question.

They are vague

‘I like you’

‘I think you’re okay’

I would definitely beware of ‘You seem like a really nice guy’

They can be non-committal

‘Why don’t we just see how things go’

Also there is my favorite, ‘Let’s just play it by ear’

Such talk is particularly egregious in the case of women because women love to talk. Especially about their feelings. They talk to there girlfriends, co-workers, moms and sisters all the time about most all things! From what they think of the new latte at Starbucks, to the war in Iraq In fact, 90% of the conversations are probably about how they feel? Yet the woman you are dating can’t share her feelings with you? That is totally bogus. Trust me when I tell you - she is not with you for the long haul. woman mostly talk about everything.

9. She Spends All Her Time at Church

Hey, I can’t fault a sister for wanting to devote her time to the Lord. And church can be supremely busy, trying to do Sunday worship, Wednesday Bible Study plus the Friday Night ‘Refresher’. This is a sister to be admired. This is a sister to be respected in her devotion to the things of God. This is not, however, a sister who is ready to be in a committed relationship with you. No harm, no foul - but when she is ready (spiritually and emotionally), she will make time for a special man in her life. Until that time, she is best left alone.

10. School/Career is Her #1 Priority

There comes a time in every person’s life when you realize it’s time to get yourself together. When it is time to switch careers or put some new energy into climbing that corporate ladder at your current job. You realize you need a bigger house. You realize you need to move out of your parent’s home. You realize you want to travel the world (and need some money to do it). You’re tired of traveling through Europe and are ready to grow up. Whatever the case may be, you (finally) decide to focus all your energies and pursue your goals for success. And, usually, that means it becomes the most important thing in your life. Guys - if the woman you are dating are at that point, you simply have to accept that that’s where her head is. She needs to focus her energies to make her first million, write her first book, get her PH.D. or whatever. But she needs you to understand that is where her time, attention and energy will be devoted. And it probably means she is not in a position to give you the attention you deserve in a committed relationship. But it’s okay. Support her, love her, whatever, but know that the relationship with you will probably not progress until she reaches at least some of her goals.

11. She Has Too Many Ex’es Around (the insecure girl)

Yes, ladies, I said it. I know you spent all that time explaining to your guy how you and Gary used to date, but now that he’s married with kids, you guys are ‘just friends’. And I know you’ve explained to him that having ex-boyfriends in your life don’t mean anything. That the romance is over and you have now settled into a mature, life-affirming, God-fearing, spirit-led relationship with them.(ha ha ha) Guys you need to tell Gary to grow some balls and be man enough to tend to his wife and his new life.

Now Girls, I know it is something you would like him to believe, but we all really know the truth: many times having ex-boyfriends in our lives just serves as a crutch for our new relationships. A possibility. A back-up in times of trouble. It ain’t pretty and it ain’t cute, but many times it’s true. Not all the time, but many times. But, any time a woman has a lot of men in her life (particularly ex-boyfriends) it is not a sign that says she is really ready to begin a new phase in her life with a brand new man. What it is probably saying is that she is content right where she is - in her comfort zone. And whether the relationship with you works out or not, she will be just fine. After all, when you don’t act right, she can just call Robert, John or Peter anyway. They understand her just fine. And they are more than willing to give her a shoulder to cry on - or whatever else she might require. I’m just telling the truth….

12. Her conversation is extreme when it comes to her past relationship

She is either extremely quite or extremely talkative about past relationships. Both are signs that there is a problem. Constantly obsessively talking about something is one way humans relive an experience and keep it fresh. Can you say ‘it’s over’? Well, apparently she can’t. She talks so often about how BLA BLA mistreated her by cheating on her with other women; you start to feel like it was you who had been betrayed. And if she talks about a random assortment of Guys you begin to sense you maybe just one more person in a whole long line of failed relationships. Don’t fool yourself by say I will be the one. NO! Just get out! Quickly exit stage right! true is if you get that sense, you know what? You probably are! If you are dating a woman who cannot seem to realize that she has met a brand new guy who deserves a brand new chance, she is not even remotely ready to be in a serious relationship with you. (Same goes for us guys too!) If she is extremely quite about past relationship this is not good either. Repression is as bad as obsession. Generally the rule is if she is a strong independent woman and she is silent about the past, even when asked. Always unwilling to dive into those emotions and get free of them, she is repressing all that emotional pain and it will come out of her in the oddest of ways. Where the obsessive girl is fatiguing, the repressive girl is dangerous. Such emotional stunting (often in the name of self-control..ect..) could end in you being the object of all her emotional pain. This is the confused girl with eradicate behavior and often is sexually aggressive (a common means of controlling her environment so she is not hurt). If after 6 months you no nothing of her past relationship – little relational discloser – RUN!

13. She Constantly Puts Men Down (the independent Girl)

Even worse than a woman who constantly talks about her past relationships (and how they did her wrong) is one who thinks all men are bad - period. Sure there is the hypothetical good guy. And Great her “Guy friends” she would label as the good guy but a dateable good guy will not be good for long. This is more than someone being a pessimist. They will date but it ends baddy for they desire it to as a way to justify there past and there current self-talk. Talk that sounds like “They are all dogs, they are all unfaithful, they are all liars, they are all abusive, they are all”___________ - you fill in the blanks. Nothing you say can change her mind and no good deed on your part will ever be enough. This woman is far, far gone and only an act of God can bring her back. Be nice, be sweet, be on your way and BE PRAYING FOR HER!

14. She Is Only Interested in What You Can Give Her

Have you ever notice that you can only see the girl over a fancy dinner? Or how she calls you right around the time a new movie comes out? Here’s the truth - she’s using you. She sees you as a source of companionship or as a good-looking man to be on her arm. She is very interested in what you have or can be for her. She is not interested, however, in you. It’s a cold thing to realize, but you’re better off in the long run if you admit it to yourself now: you’re filling a role till something better come along.

Relational Reprise

So there you go, those are signs that a woman is not really into you. Feel free to comment and let me know about any other signs I might have missed. And, ladies - if you see yourself on this list, it’s never too late to change your ways! It’s okay to play games - sometimes – I understand we are an image over substance culture and church. I am not good at the image part so no matter how deep the substance goes it is never seen as presentable. You only appear as a good guy that just does not have it together so that to say, presentation is important. Guys – look the part, it is why all the jerks you knew in collage where marriage by 25.

Just remember girls and boys play the game but never play games with another person’s heart. As the Bible says - treat other people the way you would like to be treated. The golden rule is a great dating principle, let it be a guide.