How to loose friends and alienate people?

Have you see the movie "How to loose friends and alienate people." I saw it
the other day and it reminded me how easy it is be a jerk (I have so much experience, it is on my resume). So I will be smarmy and give you the five common ways to loose friends and alienate people.

If your one of those people who do not get satire. The bible gives us five common ways we cripple our relationships. Each trait can make us exhausting to deal with and can control us so thoroughly that even in small exposures, we irritate people like a itchy rash. These five ways are pride, anger, unresolved conflict, sinful words and covetousness.

But first, why care about relationships with other people? Roy Hession an early 20th century missionary and evangelist once wrote on why human relationships are so important.

"Our relationship with our fellows and our relationship with God are so linked that we cannot disturb one without disturbing the other. Everything that comes between us and another, such as impatience, resentment or envy, comes between us and God. These barriers are sometimes no more than veils – veils through which we can still, to some extent, see. But if not removed immediately, they thicken into blankets and then into brick walls, and we are shut off from both God and our fellows, shut in to ourselves." (1)

Here are 5 ways to loose friends and alienate people.

1.) "Be Full of Yourself" (1 Peter 5:5-7)
Pride, or "hubris" Pride is a raging beast in the heart of every sinful human being. It destroys everything in its path - especially relationships - because it is insatiable and unyielding. Being full of yourself means your judgment will be inflated. A symptom of pride is haughty eyes (Pro 30:13 ). What I like to call ingrown eye balls. Such a vision makes it hard to consider others first. In the end, being full of yourself means you will have no room for others. So let us declare war on pride. Eddie Rasnake writes:

"If (God) is on the throne of our hearts and in control of our lives – then all our human relationships will be positively affected… Instead of looking to our relationships for what we can take from others, we will begin to see relationships in light of what we can give. Finding our own deepest need met in our relationship with God, we will be free to be used by Him to meet needs in others." (2)

2.) "Use Anger to Get What You Want" (James 1:19-21)
The anger of man doesn't produce the righteousness of God. Getting angry is a way of trying to make something happen - to get what I want. It is a power play, a power a should not play with. It is an attempt to be God. Anger takes on two forms: blowing up and clamming up. Both are sinful response to events that aren't going my way. Who likes a hot head? Answer, no one. And if we are not careful - anger will destroy our most precious relationships.

3.) "Live with Unresolved Conflict" (Eph 4:25-27)
Living in a sinful world with fallen people is going to generate some conflict. It is natural and normal. But how we respond to it makes all the difference in the world. The Bible calls followers of Jesus to be peacemakers and to do whatever we can to seek out the growth point when conflict comes home and help to resolve conflicts in the church so peace and grace flourish. Indifference, diversion, and distraction are not descriptions of a peacemaker's lifestyle. Jerry Bridges reminds us:

"We must take the initiative to restore peace. Jesus taught that it makes no difference whether you have wronged your brother or he has wronged you. Either way, you are always responsible to initiate efforts toward peace (see Matthew 5:23-24 and 18:15). If we are serious about intently pursuing peace, we won’t be concerned about which of us is the offending party. We will have one goal: To restore peace in a godly manner." (3)

4.) "Say Whatever You Want" (James 3:1-12)
Speech is a gift from God and it is important to use it wisely. We all have things that we wished we never said, but once we say them there is no going back. Life does not have a rewind. Our mouths does not have a reset button. Sinful words are birthed they don't just jump into our mouths. But where do those words come from? You and I need to be reminded everyday that,

"Your words and the manner in which you speak are critical to harmonious relationships. As you learn to speak the truth in love, you must also determine when to speak, how to speak in an edifying manner, and to whom you should speak. The power of your words is enormous, and they also show the condition of your heart. Even your idle words will be accounted for in the day of judgment." (4)

We all should learn to filters everything through God's presence. God is omniscient. he is everywhere. If we form our words in light of the truth that each word will pass through the very real presence of God it will filter out many hurtful statements. God's abiding presence is our filter. He is our Father filter.

5,) "Never Be Satisfied" (Eph 5:5)
Covetousness destroys relationships through a relentless desire to have what other people have. It is like heart disease it can goes unseen for years. Comparisons, hidden desires, and greed can easily spoil even the best of friendships. Our wants and desires eat away at the foundation of godly relationships by replacing grace peace and truth with comparison contentiousnes and envy. Richard and Sharon Phillips remind us of the necessity of delighting in God as our satisfaction. "Only when we are finding our ultimate satisfaction in God are we able to relate rightly to one another."(5)




End notes
(1) Roy Hession, The Calvary Road, 1950, p. 54
(2) Eddie Rasnake, The Book of Ephesians, 2003, p. 135.
(3) Jerry Bridges, the Practice of Godliness,
(4) Biblical Counseling Foundation, Self-Confrontation Manuel, Lesson 13, Page 12.
(5) Richard D. Phillips and Sharon L. Phillips, Holding Hands and Holding Hearts, p. 56



In Him
J. Dawson Jarrell